Originally posted 08-18-2013

Hello all! Well today Kyle isn't feeling very good, no fever but he is congested. I decided to take a hot shower to give him the humidifier treatment, and it seems to have worked. This morning I woke up pretty early to him crying, I tried to feed him but he didn't want to eat. So I laid him on my chest and rubbed his back and sang to him until we both fell back asleep. I woke up at noon to him crying again, that time he was hungry, but I could tell he still didn't feel good. He would sneeze, and cough, and try to breathe but I could hear the congestion in his sinuses.

The shower seemed to work I just put him in his bouncy vibrating seat thing and took an extra hot shower. He sounded better afterwards, and now he's taking a nap. He looks so peaceful!

One day I'll get a camera so I can post current pictures of him, but right now I'm just trying to figure out how I'm gonna save up to buy a car. (I probably need a car more than a camera)

I'll just say that before I had him I had no motivation to do anything. So I didn't. Which was immature of me, but I didn't have any real reason to do anything. I regret it now, but It's too late to change the past, I just have to change the future which is a little bit easier.

Originally posted 08-17-2013 

So because I have nothing better to do right now and Kyle has decided he doesn't want to sleep I guess I'll write more while I attempt to entertain him, or maybe get him to sleep (hopefully.) I guess I'll talk a little bit more about what I've done up until this point. First I'll talk about how I've made it this far, because while this is truly one of the best and most fulfilling jobs in the world, it is also very difficult.

1. My mother is truly the greatest support in the world. I wouldn't have made it to this point without her.
2. Other mommies to back me up! If I didn't have friends with children around his age I might have gone insane already. 
3. Breastfeeding! Yup, you read that right feeding him the way nature intended. You might be be asking "how does this help you make it through to this point?" Well, I'll tell you, most people spend like well over a hundred and fifty dollars a month on formula. I only eat a little more to produce milk, so, lack of job and lack of money equals the perfect solution. Breasts! Plus you can't beat all the bonuses the baby gets.

I guess next I can talk about the greatest feeling in the world, the firsts! I haven't gotten to the ones I hear about all the time, "First time you're feeding and they stop and look you in the eyes and they smile, than continue eating." Or of course "first words" "first steps" but that's okay. The firsts that I have gotten have literally brought me to tears. My personal favorite is, I like to sing to him it's sort of our bonding time, well one day I was singing to him and a song came on called "a thousand years" it kinda goes

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

I got to those words, and he was looking me dead in the eyes and smiled, Oh my heart melted I started crying and couldn't stop. Not to mention his first cry, and the first time he opened his eyes and the first time he looked me in the eyes. Every first has been so wonderful and amazing to watch.

Now I can focus on the harder part of everything for me. When I was pregnant I got very very depressed, I was feeling, very much alone, and unable to come to grips with myself. I hated myself for a lot of the thoughts that came to my mind, which I will choose not to talk about them ever again because they were just so horrible and I couldn't imagine if I had actually gone through with any of them. I thought about putting him up for adoption and was going to go through with it for a while, then I kind of snapped and realized that I would never be able to live with myself knowing my son was out there with some other family when I felt like I should be the one giving him that love. I feel like I'm the one that can raise him to be the man he will be one day. That's my job. 

Some more negative parts are things like lack of sleep, sometimes the constant crying, and the feeling of frustration I get every now and then when he's crying, I'm tired and just want to go to sleep. 

Don't get me wrong, I love every minute with my son and I'm trying my hardest to cherish it all because one day he won't be this little, and he's going to keep growing, I'm already having such a hard time keeping up with him growing. 

He is my world, my everything and I'm so happy I chose to keep him in my own arms. I feel like it may have been a bit of a selfish decision but I just couldn't picture him in anyone else's arms but mine. 

I was the first to hold him and I wept tears of happiness, I've never been so happy in my life.

I am very proud of my baby boy, he's been lifting his head and pushing himself over (tummy to back) since he was a week old. He's very strong for someone so little. He's very aware of his surroundings, and more and more awake every day (and night.) He's starting to make more noises, cooing, baby talking, and sticking his tongue out. 

Well he's finally fallen asleep considering I started typing this at 11pm and It's now 1:19 am. I should probably get some sleep, if you're reading this you probably have a small bit of an idea of what I'm talking about. Whether it's just because you're a mom, or you're single, or you too are a single mom, but thank you. I know my life isn't that important. I'm just a face in a crowd of trillions, standing out isn't an easy thing to do, but I've always wanted to try. 

Originally posted 08-17-2013

Hello! This is my very first post as a mommy blogger. I have a seven week and 6 days old little bouncing baby boy.

This is him the night I had him. June 24th 2013 at 9:44 pm 

He is truly the most amazing thing that has ever happened in my life, it's truly an amazing feeling being the first to hold this life (besides the doctor) that, for lack of a better word, "baked" inside of me for 9 months! I was amazed at how much love I could possibly have for such a small human being. 

This is my favorite picture of us the night he was born.

His name is Kyle Adam, I've had his name picked out since I was 14. I admit I've always known I wanted to be a mom, and for a very long time I had a very immature outlook on what motherhood would truly be like. I truly felt that if I had a baby I would feel the love I felt like I never got. I wouldn't say that I was unloved, my parents love me very much, but I will say I felt like, and still do to some extent that they did not know how to show me. neither truly knew how to be a single parent, I hope to do a little bit better of a job. 

I was convinced, for a while, that parenting was easy, so easy, in fact, that I just KNEW I could do it on my own if I had to. I met a guy who was very against having kids, so against it he said if I ever got pregnant he would be gone so fast I wouldn't know what hit me. Well, I slept with him anyways, quite a bit, did not use protection, and did absolutely nothing to stop it. My question now is, what did he think was going to happen, and why didn't I do anything to stop it??? I can answer the second part of that question, I thought I could handle it. After about a month and a half of sleeping together, I ended up in a lot of pain. So much pain I thought something was wrong with my appendix. He took me to the ER and it turned out I had a really really bad UTI They gave me some medicine and a pregnancy test that came back negative. I was relieved because I was starting to second guess our "relationship" he was getting way too attached too quickly and we had agreed it was nothing more than sexual. well after we left the hospital he started saying things like "I was kind of disappointed." and "You're the only girl I've ever considered having a baby with." Well I got super freaked out and started distancing myself. I moved in with a friend and put some serious space between us. Four weeks passed and I got a message from him on facebook, telling me he loved me. I told him I needed time to think. Then I found out I was pregnant, waited a couple of days then told him. Three days after he sent me the letter I told him I was pregnant and his reply was "I don't want anything to do with you or the baby."

So after a (long extremely difficult 7 month) battle deciding what I was going to do I finally decided, the biggest decision of my life, to keep little Kyle Adam (rather than adoption.) 

My mother was very supportive after the very first discussion (She wasn't very happy at first.) and I am currently living with her so I can work towards getting on my own two feet. 

My mother supporting me at the hospital.

This blog will be my journey to that point, wish me luck!