Monday, September 30, 2013

Man, being a single parent keeps me busy.

Sometimes too busy to post when I would like to.

I'm trying to get a hang on -paused for diaper change- my schedule. It is so crazy! But here I am signed up for a full schedule for the next 18 years at least it's not a bad thing, but it's not like I was handed a instruction manual to how to  handle juggling my time. Especially doing this without a significant other.

Tired but I'm too excited to get a running start on getting my life straight.

Started a twitter account! Follow me @singlemommyshai!

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Random post!

I realize I haven't been very consistent with my posts, I enjoy being on here I just get busy sometimes and forget.

Everyday I find myself a little happier, I still get frustrated sometimes, but I've come to except that it's normal, every mother gets frustrated but it's the thought that I would never hurt him in anyway that gets me through it. I love him very much and everyday that love grows watching him learn is just the most amazing feeling in the world.

I have found myself questioning the "I don't need no man" attitude. I realize I don't NEED a man to raise him, but I've heard people tell me (when I was younger) "You need a female role model in your life." and I got it! I did need a female in my close personal life to help me with stuff that couldn't be helped with by my dad, I've heard the same statement about boys. I want him to have a good role model. I don't even know where to begin.

Part of me wants to. Part of me is screaming no.

I need quality.

I refuse to settle.

getting bigger and stronger every day!

Saturday, September 7, 2013

A days update.

Today was better Kyle has been grumpy and having sudden bursts where he just starts screaming his "in pain" cry. I am worried but I have boiled it down to either still feeling the effects of the shots or teething, if it keeps happening I plan to call his doctor on Monday to get some insight. I am worried about him. I don't like to see him in pain. It's off and on throughout the day.

He's eating normal and getting new tricks everyday, today he started nodding, and before that he was shaking his head from side to side. Building up those neck muscles. Yay!

Hopefully he'll be holding up his head better soon.

10 weeks and 5 days old

Hard to believe this time is flying by, I have mixed feelings about him getting older. Sometimes I can't wait for him to start talking and walking around other times I just wish he'd stay this small a little while longer.

Taken at birth

Taken yesterday

Friday, September 6, 2013

Sorry about the sudden change!

I needed to make a new blog to a new email address so that I could keep up with it a little better. I got a phone and could not for the life of me figure out how to get to my other blog from it so I started a new one and just transferred all of my old blog posts here. Just so that I could keep up a little better by posting from more than my computer (I don't use it as often as I did before I got my phone.) I guess I could start by giving an update as to how things have gone since my last post.

Starting with, this is exhausting, I am having a very hard time with this. I'm so worried about not messing up and raising him right, I hate to hear him cry and to be honest it's interfering with my ability to get things done which is kind of having a serious effect on me. I can't get anything done, and to be honest there's so much that needs to be done around here I know I can't do it on my own with Kyle screaming in one ear and everyone else in the other. I feel very overwhelmed, and I feel like if I lived by myself or something I would have an easier time with this. I am very grateful for the help I am getting but I feel so overwhelmed by everything that needs to get done around here that I feel as though every time I walk into the kitchen to do dishes, or my room to clean it, or the living room, or the nursery I just shut down. I feel like it's too much for one person to handle especially with my little boy needing as much attention as he does.

Okay so Kyle got his 2 month shots yesterday and was feeling very grumpy all night, I got lucky that most of his energy went into sleeping. and in hindsight I probably could have used some of that time to clean but I really don't feel like doing much of anything lately. I know I need to. Or I might not ever get anything done.

I am feeling a little down, I need to get a job and make some money so I can move towards a better life for my son and myself but I can't really focus. I was feeling confident and like I could do most anything, but right now, I kinda got a vision of the big picture and how much actually needs to be done and I'm having a really hard time focusing on the little things like people keep telling me to do.

A dear friend asked me the other day if I regretted my decision to keep my son, rather than giving him up for adoption. the answer is still no. I do not regret choosing to keep him. I do wish, however, that somebody would lend a helping hand. I want to get so much done because I'm tired of living like I am, but I can not do it by myself. I just want a little help. I can't be in charge of taking care of all the cleaning in this house, there is just too many people, and too much to do for me to do it all by myself.

With a threat of having no choice but to move to Florida looming over my head I am terrified. I have made too many friends and gotten too far to have to start over. Sometimes I feel like I haven't gotten very far, and in actual reality I probably haven't but for me struggling to get somewhere right now, I've made it pretty far.

I just wish I didn't feel so overwhelmed all of a sudden.

I just wish I could do things the way I'm supposed to.

It's not as easy as cleaning a couple plates a day, or doing a couple small things a day because by the end of the night everything in that one spot has gotten so bad it looks like it was never touched.

I need help..
Originally posted 08-26-2013

Struggling to clean up my mess from before I became a mother after I've already gone and become a mother is no joke. Between preparing to take my drivers test, getting ready to become a functioning adult, and all the dirty diapers and late nights, it's not exactly my ideal situation. I knew there were gonna be some serious changes in my life once he was born, but I didn't know how serious they really were. Just about everyone I knew was telling me "I don't think you understand how different your life will be." and of course they were all right.

But who really knows what they're getting into when they become parents.

Simple answer; no one.

Yeah, no one knows. even the people who spend years and years trying to get pregnant. You know the ones, they read every book that they possibly can about parenting, the ones that think they know everything. and yeah, for about the first year things are pretty predictable. Sorta, there are dangers involved but the chances of the baby getting up and running off to get in trouble are much less when they have no idea how to walk.

I get on this subject because I was sort of one of those unpredictable kids. I think my parents always thought that I was getting into trouble because they were always too busy focusing on what could possibly go wrong, than to actually take the time to sit down and really really get to know me. they treated me as though I was already doing awful terrible things, so that when I did start getting into trouble it was so so much worse on the punishment side of it, because they were so on edge just waiting for me to mess up. I didn't do too much.

**Warning small rant approaching**

I didn't even do much. I skipped school, mostly because it was very hard on me and I didn't know how else to escape the emotional pain I got from going. Teachers never did anything, even when they were right there when it happened. so my escape was just not going. My dad especially never understood that, I think. I started smoking when I was 13. Okay that was stupid on my part. I don't even remember why I did it, I grew up with pretty much every adult around me smoking and I guess I wanted to be more "adult." When I was 14 I started smoking pot, didn't actually smoke it frequently until I was 16 then I had a serious scare (at 17) when (I suppose) It was laced with something and I ended up in the hospital. I smoked a couple times after that, but never as much, never as often, I'm not even sure I remember the last time I smoked. I definitely haven't smoked since I found out I was pregnant so almost a whole year now at the most.

I didn't start having sex and drinking until I was 17, but I was accused multiple times from the time I was 12 of having sex, and it was even thought at one point (by people other than myself) that I was pregnant. So I guess I kind of grew up thinking everything I did was wrong. because I was being punished severely for everything.

**Rant ends here**

Sorry I kid of wet off in a rant about my life, but my point is, just because you think you know everything about your child, and think that they are always getting into trouble, maybe rethink how you approach them. and pick and choose your battles, figure out if they're actually "bad kids" or if maybe they're just calling out for help, or they're just being kids. They do that you know.

Never forget what you thought, (or how you thought) when you were their age. It will help you get through a lot.
Originally posted 08-25-2013

Sorry It's been a couple days since I've posted, oh never mind haha It's been like a week.. oh. So sorry. I've been taking care of my personal things. I'm practicing to get my license I'm doing okay, really nervous about taking the test in October. I know you're probably wondering about why am I a 21 year old without her license? Because before I had Kyle, I didn't care. I lived a very sad life, no license, no car, had a hard time holding a job. Now I feel inspired to do better with my life! I want to go forth and become something! Prove to everyone just because I'm a single mother, that does not mean my life is over! It's only just begun, I just so happened to pick a little more difficult route (Story of my life.) But I'm happy now, and working towards being even happier.

Single motherhood is not the end of the world.

The only one that can truly make you happy is you.

And that beautiful baby of yours.

Because the love of my life is 9 weeks old and the most amazing living being ever to enter my life.
Originally posted 08-19-2013

The most important thing you need to know is you DO NOT NEED a significant other in your life. While it is nice, once you have that little baby girl/boy if you are single, you do need to focus on the little one. Don't worry about finding a father/mother for the baby, that will come on it's own when the time comes. No need to rush it. The thought of your son/daughter not having a father/mother in their life is hard but trust me when I say you will end up not happy, or with someone who does not care about the baby.

As long as you have a great support system (parents, work, friends, or friends of friends) You will succeed.

Try not to panic, always stay calm. A good friend of mine told me "Single moms are much stronger than normal moms." It hit me, because for a while I was moping, all of my mom friends have someone by their side to be called "dad' and all of them talk about them, and all I could do was twiddle my thumbs. It's hard but don't let them get you down.