Friday, September 6, 2013

Originally posted 08-17-2013 

So because I have nothing better to do right now and Kyle has decided he doesn't want to sleep I guess I'll write more while I attempt to entertain him, or maybe get him to sleep (hopefully.) I guess I'll talk a little bit more about what I've done up until this point. First I'll talk about how I've made it this far, because while this is truly one of the best and most fulfilling jobs in the world, it is also very difficult.

  1. My mother is truly the greatest support in the world. I wouldn't have made it to this point without her.
  2. Other mommies to back me up! If I didn't have friends with children around his age I might have gone insane already. 
  3. Breastfeeding! Yup, you read that right feeding him the way nature intended. You might be be asking "how does this help you make it through to this point?" Well, I'll tell you, most people spend like well over a hundred and fifty dollars a month on formula. I only eat a little more to produce milk, so, lack of job and lack of money equals the perfect solution. Breasts! Plus you can't beat all the bonuses the baby gets.
I guess next I can talk about the greatest feeling in the world, the firsts! I haven't gotten to the ones I hear about all the time, "First time you're feeding and they stop and look you in the eyes and they smile, than continue eating." Or of course "first words" "first steps" but that's okay. The firsts that I have gotten have literally brought me to tears. My personal favorite is, I like to sing to him it's sort of our bonding time, well one day I was singing to him and a song came on called "a thousand years" it kinda goes

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

I got to those words, and he was looking me dead in the eyes and smiled, Oh my heart melted I started crying and couldn't stop. Not to mention his first cry, and the first time he opened his eyes and the first time he looked me in the eyes. Every first has been so wonderful and amazing to watch.

Now I can focus on the harder part of everything for me. When I was pregnant I got very very depressed, I was feeling, very much alone, and unable to come to grips with myself. I hated myself for a lot of the thoughts that came to my mind, which I will choose not to talk about them ever again because they were just so horrible and I couldn't imagine if I had actually gone through with any of them. I thought about putting him up for adoption and was going to go through with it for a while, then I kind of snapped and realized that I would never be able to live with myself knowing my son was out there with some other family when I felt like I should be the one giving him that love. I feel like I'm the one that can raise him to be the man he will be one day. That's my job. 

Some more negative parts are things like lack of sleep, sometimes the constant crying, and the feeling of frustration I get every now and then when he's crying, I'm tired and just want to go to sleep. 

Don't get me wrong, I love every minute with my son and I'm trying my hardest to cherish it all because one day he won't be this little, and he's going to keep growing, I'm already having such a hard time keeping up with him growing. 

He is my world, my everything and I'm so happy I chose to keep him in my own arms. I feel like it may have been a bit of a selfish decision but I just couldn't picture him in anyone else's arms but mine. 

I was the first to hold him and I wept tears of happiness, I've never been so happy in my life.

I am very proud of my baby boy, he's been lifting his head and pushing himself over (tummy to back) since he was a week old. He's very strong for someone so little. He's very aware of his surroundings, and more and more awake every day (and night.) He's starting to make more noises, cooing, baby talking, and sticking his tongue out. 

Well he's finally fallen asleep considering I started typing this at 11pm and It's now 1:19 am. I should probably get some sleep, if you're reading this you probably have a small bit of an idea of what I'm talking about. Whether it's just because you're a mom, or you're single, or you too are a single mom, but thank you. I know my life isn't that important. I'm just a face in a crowd of trillions, standing out isn't an easy thing to do, but I've always wanted to try. 

No comments:

Post a Comment