Friday, September 6, 2013

Originally posted 08-17-2013

Hello! This is my very first post as a mommy blogger. I have a seven week and 6 days old little bouncing baby boy.

This is him the night I had him. June 24th 2013 at 9:44 pm 

He is truly the most amazing thing that has ever happened in my life, it's truly an amazing feeling being the first to hold this life (besides the doctor) that, for lack of a better word, "baked" inside of me for 9 months! I was amazed at how much love I could possibly have for such a small human being. 

This is my favorite picture of us the night he was born.

His name is Kyle Adam, I've had his name picked out since I was 14. I admit I've always known I wanted to be a mom, and for a very long time I had a very immature outlook on what motherhood would truly be like. I truly felt that if I had a baby I would feel the love I felt like I never got. I wouldn't say that I was unloved, my parents love me very much, but I will say I felt like, and still do to some extent that they did not know how to show me. neither truly knew how to be a single parent, I hope to do a little bit better of a job. 

I was convinced, for a while, that parenting was easy, so easy, in fact, that I just KNEW I could do it on my own if I had to. I met a guy who was very against having kids, so against it he said if I ever got pregnant he would be gone so fast I wouldn't know what hit me. Well, I slept with him anyways, quite a bit, did not use protection, and did absolutely nothing to stop it. My question now is, what did he think was going to happen, and why didn't I do anything to stop it??? I can answer the second part of that question, I thought I could handle it. After about a month and a half of sleeping together, I ended up in a lot of pain. So much pain I thought something was wrong with my appendix. He took me to the ER and it turned out I had a really really bad UTI They gave me some medicine and a pregnancy test that came back negative. I was relieved because I was starting to second guess our "relationship" he was getting way too attached too quickly and we had agreed it was nothing more than sexual. well after we left the hospital he started saying things like "I was kind of disappointed." and "You're the only girl I've ever considered having a baby with." Well I got super freaked out and started distancing myself. I moved in with a friend and put some serious space between us. Four weeks passed and I got a message from him on facebook, telling me he loved me. I told him I needed time to think. Then I found out I was pregnant, waited a couple of days then told him. Three days after he sent me the letter I told him I was pregnant and his reply was "I don't want anything to do with you or the baby."

So after a (long extremely difficult 7 month) battle deciding what I was going to do I finally decided, the biggest decision of my life, to keep little Kyle Adam (rather than adoption.) 

My mother was very supportive after the very first discussion (She wasn't very happy at first.) and I am currently living with her so I can work towards getting on my own two feet. 

My mother supporting me at the hospital.

This blog will be my journey to that point, wish me luck!

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