I needed to make a new blog to a new email address so that I could keep up with it a little better. I got a phone and could not for the life of me figure out how to get to my other blog from it so I started a new one and just transferred all of my old blog posts here. Just so that I could keep up a little better by posting from more than my computer (I don't use it as often as I did before I got my phone.) I guess I could start by giving an update as to how things have gone since my last post.
Starting with, this is exhausting, I am having a very hard time with this. I'm so worried about not messing up and raising him right, I hate to hear him cry and to be honest it's interfering with my ability to get things done which is kind of having a serious effect on me. I can't get anything done, and to be honest there's so much that needs to be done around here I know I can't do it on my own with Kyle screaming in one ear and everyone else in the other. I feel very overwhelmed, and I feel like if I lived by myself or something I would have an easier time with this. I am very grateful for the help I am getting but I feel so overwhelmed by everything that needs to get done around here that I feel as though every time I walk into the kitchen to do dishes, or my room to clean it, or the living room, or the nursery I just shut down. I feel like it's too much for one person to handle especially with my little boy needing as much attention as he does.
Okay so Kyle got his 2 month shots yesterday and was feeling very grumpy all night, I got lucky that most of his energy went into sleeping. and in hindsight I probably could have used some of that time to clean but I really don't feel like doing much of anything lately. I know I need to. Or I might not ever get anything done.
I am feeling a little down, I need to get a job and make some money so I can move towards a better life for my son and myself but I can't really focus. I was feeling confident and like I could do most anything, but right now, I kinda got a vision of the big picture and how much actually needs to be done and I'm having a really hard time focusing on the little things like people keep telling me to do.
A dear friend asked me the other day if I regretted my decision to keep my son, rather than giving him up for adoption. the answer is still no. I do not regret choosing to keep him. I do wish, however, that somebody would lend a helping hand. I want to get so much done because I'm tired of living like I am, but I can not do it by myself. I just want a little help. I can't be in charge of taking care of all the cleaning in this house, there is just too many people, and too much to do for me to do it all by myself.
With a threat of having no choice but to move to Florida looming over my head I am terrified. I have made too many friends and gotten too far to have to start over. Sometimes I feel like I haven't gotten very far, and in actual reality I probably haven't but for me struggling to get somewhere right now, I've made it pretty far.
I just wish I didn't feel so overwhelmed all of a sudden.
I just wish I could do things the way I'm supposed to.
It's not as easy as cleaning a couple plates a day, or doing a couple small things a day because by the end of the night everything in that one spot has gotten so bad it looks like it was never touched.
I need help..