Monday, September 30, 2013

Man, being a single parent keeps me busy.

Sometimes too busy to post when I would like to.

I'm trying to get a hang on -paused for diaper change- my schedule. It is so crazy! But here I am signed up for a full schedule for the next 18 years at least it's not a bad thing, but it's not like I was handed a instruction manual to how to  handle juggling my time. Especially doing this without a significant other.

Tired but I'm too excited to get a running start on getting my life straight.

Started a twitter account! Follow me @singlemommyshai!

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Random post!

I realize I haven't been very consistent with my posts, I enjoy being on here I just get busy sometimes and forget.

Everyday I find myself a little happier, I still get frustrated sometimes, but I've come to except that it's normal, every mother gets frustrated but it's the thought that I would never hurt him in anyway that gets me through it. I love him very much and everyday that love grows watching him learn is just the most amazing feeling in the world.

I have found myself questioning the "I don't need no man" attitude. I realize I don't NEED a man to raise him, but I've heard people tell me (when I was younger) "You need a female role model in your life." and I got it! I did need a female in my close personal life to help me with stuff that couldn't be helped with by my dad, I've heard the same statement about boys. I want him to have a good role model. I don't even know where to begin.

Part of me wants to. Part of me is screaming no.

I need quality.

I refuse to settle.

getting bigger and stronger every day!

Saturday, September 7, 2013

A days update.

Today was better Kyle has been grumpy and having sudden bursts where he just starts screaming his "in pain" cry. I am worried but I have boiled it down to either still feeling the effects of the shots or teething, if it keeps happening I plan to call his doctor on Monday to get some insight. I am worried about him. I don't like to see him in pain. It's off and on throughout the day.

He's eating normal and getting new tricks everyday, today he started nodding, and before that he was shaking his head from side to side. Building up those neck muscles. Yay!

Hopefully he'll be holding up his head better soon.

10 weeks and 5 days old

Hard to believe this time is flying by, I have mixed feelings about him getting older. Sometimes I can't wait for him to start talking and walking around other times I just wish he'd stay this small a little while longer.

Taken at birth

Taken yesterday

Friday, September 6, 2013

Sorry about the sudden change!

I needed to make a new blog to a new email address so that I could keep up with it a little better. I got a phone and could not for the life of me figure out how to get to my other blog from it so I started a new one and just transferred all of my old blog posts here. Just so that I could keep up a little better by posting from more than my computer (I don't use it as often as I did before I got my phone.) I guess I could start by giving an update as to how things have gone since my last post.

Starting with, this is exhausting, I am having a very hard time with this. I'm so worried about not messing up and raising him right, I hate to hear him cry and to be honest it's interfering with my ability to get things done which is kind of having a serious effect on me. I can't get anything done, and to be honest there's so much that needs to be done around here I know I can't do it on my own with Kyle screaming in one ear and everyone else in the other. I feel very overwhelmed, and I feel like if I lived by myself or something I would have an easier time with this. I am very grateful for the help I am getting but I feel so overwhelmed by everything that needs to get done around here that I feel as though every time I walk into the kitchen to do dishes, or my room to clean it, or the living room, or the nursery I just shut down. I feel like it's too much for one person to handle especially with my little boy needing as much attention as he does.

Okay so Kyle got his 2 month shots yesterday and was feeling very grumpy all night, I got lucky that most of his energy went into sleeping. and in hindsight I probably could have used some of that time to clean but I really don't feel like doing much of anything lately. I know I need to. Or I might not ever get anything done.

I am feeling a little down, I need to get a job and make some money so I can move towards a better life for my son and myself but I can't really focus. I was feeling confident and like I could do most anything, but right now, I kinda got a vision of the big picture and how much actually needs to be done and I'm having a really hard time focusing on the little things like people keep telling me to do.

A dear friend asked me the other day if I regretted my decision to keep my son, rather than giving him up for adoption. the answer is still no. I do not regret choosing to keep him. I do wish, however, that somebody would lend a helping hand. I want to get so much done because I'm tired of living like I am, but I can not do it by myself. I just want a little help. I can't be in charge of taking care of all the cleaning in this house, there is just too many people, and too much to do for me to do it all by myself.

With a threat of having no choice but to move to Florida looming over my head I am terrified. I have made too many friends and gotten too far to have to start over. Sometimes I feel like I haven't gotten very far, and in actual reality I probably haven't but for me struggling to get somewhere right now, I've made it pretty far.

I just wish I didn't feel so overwhelmed all of a sudden.

I just wish I could do things the way I'm supposed to.

It's not as easy as cleaning a couple plates a day, or doing a couple small things a day because by the end of the night everything in that one spot has gotten so bad it looks like it was never touched.

I need help..
Originally posted 08-26-2013

Struggling to clean up my mess from before I became a mother after I've already gone and become a mother is no joke. Between preparing to take my drivers test, getting ready to become a functioning adult, and all the dirty diapers and late nights, it's not exactly my ideal situation. I knew there were gonna be some serious changes in my life once he was born, but I didn't know how serious they really were. Just about everyone I knew was telling me "I don't think you understand how different your life will be." and of course they were all right.

But who really knows what they're getting into when they become parents.

Simple answer; no one.

Yeah, no one knows. even the people who spend years and years trying to get pregnant. You know the ones, they read every book that they possibly can about parenting, the ones that think they know everything. and yeah, for about the first year things are pretty predictable. Sorta, there are dangers involved but the chances of the baby getting up and running off to get in trouble are much less when they have no idea how to walk.

I get on this subject because I was sort of one of those unpredictable kids. I think my parents always thought that I was getting into trouble because they were always too busy focusing on what could possibly go wrong, than to actually take the time to sit down and really really get to know me. they treated me as though I was already doing awful terrible things, so that when I did start getting into trouble it was so so much worse on the punishment side of it, because they were so on edge just waiting for me to mess up. I didn't do too much.

**Warning small rant approaching**

I didn't even do much. I skipped school, mostly because it was very hard on me and I didn't know how else to escape the emotional pain I got from going. Teachers never did anything, even when they were right there when it happened. so my escape was just not going. My dad especially never understood that, I think. I started smoking when I was 13. Okay that was stupid on my part. I don't even remember why I did it, I grew up with pretty much every adult around me smoking and I guess I wanted to be more "adult." When I was 14 I started smoking pot, didn't actually smoke it frequently until I was 16 then I had a serious scare (at 17) when (I suppose) It was laced with something and I ended up in the hospital. I smoked a couple times after that, but never as much, never as often, I'm not even sure I remember the last time I smoked. I definitely haven't smoked since I found out I was pregnant so almost a whole year now at the most.

I didn't start having sex and drinking until I was 17, but I was accused multiple times from the time I was 12 of having sex, and it was even thought at one point (by people other than myself) that I was pregnant. So I guess I kind of grew up thinking everything I did was wrong. because I was being punished severely for everything.

**Rant ends here**

Sorry I kid of wet off in a rant about my life, but my point is, just because you think you know everything about your child, and think that they are always getting into trouble, maybe rethink how you approach them. and pick and choose your battles, figure out if they're actually "bad kids" or if maybe they're just calling out for help, or they're just being kids. They do that you know.

Never forget what you thought, (or how you thought) when you were their age. It will help you get through a lot.
Originally posted 08-25-2013

Sorry It's been a couple days since I've posted, oh never mind haha It's been like a week.. oh. So sorry. I've been taking care of my personal things. I'm practicing to get my license I'm doing okay, really nervous about taking the test in October. I know you're probably wondering about why am I a 21 year old without her license? Because before I had Kyle, I didn't care. I lived a very sad life, no license, no car, had a hard time holding a job. Now I feel inspired to do better with my life! I want to go forth and become something! Prove to everyone just because I'm a single mother, that does not mean my life is over! It's only just begun, I just so happened to pick a little more difficult route (Story of my life.) But I'm happy now, and working towards being even happier.

Single motherhood is not the end of the world.

The only one that can truly make you happy is you.

And that beautiful baby of yours.

Because the love of my life is 9 weeks old and the most amazing living being ever to enter my life.
Originally posted 08-19-2013

The most important thing you need to know is you DO NOT NEED a significant other in your life. While it is nice, once you have that little baby girl/boy if you are single, you do need to focus on the little one. Don't worry about finding a father/mother for the baby, that will come on it's own when the time comes. No need to rush it. The thought of your son/daughter not having a father/mother in their life is hard but trust me when I say you will end up not happy, or with someone who does not care about the baby.

As long as you have a great support system (parents, work, friends, or friends of friends) You will succeed.

Try not to panic, always stay calm. A good friend of mine told me "Single moms are much stronger than normal moms." It hit me, because for a while I was moping, all of my mom friends have someone by their side to be called "dad' and all of them talk about them, and all I could do was twiddle my thumbs. It's hard but don't let them get you down.
Originally posted 08-18-2013

Hello all! Well today Kyle isn't feeling very good, no fever but he is congested. I decided to take a hot shower to give him the humidifier treatment, and it seems to have worked. This morning I woke up pretty early to him crying, I tried to feed him but he didn't want to eat. So I laid him on my chest and rubbed his back and sang to him until we both fell back asleep. I woke up at noon to him crying again, that time he was hungry, but I could tell he still didn't feel good. He would sneeze, and cough, and try to breathe but I could hear the congestion in his sinuses.

The shower seemed to work I just put him in his bouncy vibrating seat thing and took an extra hot shower. He sounded better afterwards, and now he's taking a nap. He looks so peaceful!

One day I'll get a camera so I can post current pictures of him, but right now I'm just trying to figure out how I'm gonna save up to buy a car. (I probably need a car more than a camera)

I'll just say that before I had him I had no motivation to do anything. So I didn't. Which was immature of me, but I didn't have any real reason to do anything. I regret it now, but It's too late to change the past, I just have to change the future which is a little bit easier.
Originally posted 08-17-2013 

So because I have nothing better to do right now and Kyle has decided he doesn't want to sleep I guess I'll write more while I attempt to entertain him, or maybe get him to sleep (hopefully.) I guess I'll talk a little bit more about what I've done up until this point. First I'll talk about how I've made it this far, because while this is truly one of the best and most fulfilling jobs in the world, it is also very difficult.

  1. My mother is truly the greatest support in the world. I wouldn't have made it to this point without her.
  2. Other mommies to back me up! If I didn't have friends with children around his age I might have gone insane already. 
  3. Breastfeeding! Yup, you read that right feeding him the way nature intended. You might be be asking "how does this help you make it through to this point?" Well, I'll tell you, most people spend like well over a hundred and fifty dollars a month on formula. I only eat a little more to produce milk, so, lack of job and lack of money equals the perfect solution. Breasts! Plus you can't beat all the bonuses the baby gets.
I guess next I can talk about the greatest feeling in the world, the firsts! I haven't gotten to the ones I hear about all the time, "First time you're feeding and they stop and look you in the eyes and they smile, than continue eating." Or of course "first words" "first steps" but that's okay. The firsts that I have gotten have literally brought me to tears. My personal favorite is, I like to sing to him it's sort of our bonding time, well one day I was singing to him and a song came on called "a thousand years" it kinda goes

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

I got to those words, and he was looking me dead in the eyes and smiled, Oh my heart melted I started crying and couldn't stop. Not to mention his first cry, and the first time he opened his eyes and the first time he looked me in the eyes. Every first has been so wonderful and amazing to watch.

Now I can focus on the harder part of everything for me. When I was pregnant I got very very depressed, I was feeling, very much alone, and unable to come to grips with myself. I hated myself for a lot of the thoughts that came to my mind, which I will choose not to talk about them ever again because they were just so horrible and I couldn't imagine if I had actually gone through with any of them. I thought about putting him up for adoption and was going to go through with it for a while, then I kind of snapped and realized that I would never be able to live with myself knowing my son was out there with some other family when I felt like I should be the one giving him that love. I feel like I'm the one that can raise him to be the man he will be one day. That's my job. 

Some more negative parts are things like lack of sleep, sometimes the constant crying, and the feeling of frustration I get every now and then when he's crying, I'm tired and just want to go to sleep. 

Don't get me wrong, I love every minute with my son and I'm trying my hardest to cherish it all because one day he won't be this little, and he's going to keep growing, I'm already having such a hard time keeping up with him growing. 

He is my world, my everything and I'm so happy I chose to keep him in my own arms. I feel like it may have been a bit of a selfish decision but I just couldn't picture him in anyone else's arms but mine. 

I was the first to hold him and I wept tears of happiness, I've never been so happy in my life.

I am very proud of my baby boy, he's been lifting his head and pushing himself over (tummy to back) since he was a week old. He's very strong for someone so little. He's very aware of his surroundings, and more and more awake every day (and night.) He's starting to make more noises, cooing, baby talking, and sticking his tongue out. 

Well he's finally fallen asleep considering I started typing this at 11pm and It's now 1:19 am. I should probably get some sleep, if you're reading this you probably have a small bit of an idea of what I'm talking about. Whether it's just because you're a mom, or you're single, or you too are a single mom, but thank you. I know my life isn't that important. I'm just a face in a crowd of trillions, standing out isn't an easy thing to do, but I've always wanted to try. 
Originally posted 08-17-2013

Hello! This is my very first post as a mommy blogger. I have a seven week and 6 days old little bouncing baby boy.

This is him the night I had him. June 24th 2013 at 9:44 pm 

He is truly the most amazing thing that has ever happened in my life, it's truly an amazing feeling being the first to hold this life (besides the doctor) that, for lack of a better word, "baked" inside of me for 9 months! I was amazed at how much love I could possibly have for such a small human being. 

This is my favorite picture of us the night he was born.

His name is Kyle Adam, I've had his name picked out since I was 14. I admit I've always known I wanted to be a mom, and for a very long time I had a very immature outlook on what motherhood would truly be like. I truly felt that if I had a baby I would feel the love I felt like I never got. I wouldn't say that I was unloved, my parents love me very much, but I will say I felt like, and still do to some extent that they did not know how to show me. neither truly knew how to be a single parent, I hope to do a little bit better of a job. 

I was convinced, for a while, that parenting was easy, so easy, in fact, that I just KNEW I could do it on my own if I had to. I met a guy who was very against having kids, so against it he said if I ever got pregnant he would be gone so fast I wouldn't know what hit me. Well, I slept with him anyways, quite a bit, did not use protection, and did absolutely nothing to stop it. My question now is, what did he think was going to happen, and why didn't I do anything to stop it??? I can answer the second part of that question, I thought I could handle it. After about a month and a half of sleeping together, I ended up in a lot of pain. So much pain I thought something was wrong with my appendix. He took me to the ER and it turned out I had a really really bad UTI They gave me some medicine and a pregnancy test that came back negative. I was relieved because I was starting to second guess our "relationship" he was getting way too attached too quickly and we had agreed it was nothing more than sexual. well after we left the hospital he started saying things like "I was kind of disappointed." and "You're the only girl I've ever considered having a baby with." Well I got super freaked out and started distancing myself. I moved in with a friend and put some serious space between us. Four weeks passed and I got a message from him on facebook, telling me he loved me. I told him I needed time to think. Then I found out I was pregnant, waited a couple of days then told him. Three days after he sent me the letter I told him I was pregnant and his reply was "I don't want anything to do with you or the baby."

So after a (long extremely difficult 7 month) battle deciding what I was going to do I finally decided, the biggest decision of my life, to keep little Kyle Adam (rather than adoption.) 

My mother was very supportive after the very first discussion (She wasn't very happy at first.) and I am currently living with her so I can work towards getting on my own two feet. 

My mother supporting me at the hospital.

This blog will be my journey to that point, wish me luck!